Empathy vs. Sympathy

Yep, they are totally different - and at any given time, I guarantee we're using the wrong one with students. Yep, I'm an at-risk kid - I don't need you to feel sorry for me, I need you to listen with empathy to my story and help me figure out how to meet the needs I may be missing - if you want.

I hear it all the time with regards to certain populations - we tell them to have faith and try hard and yet our underlying opinion is that there is not much hope - "poor kid, gonna wind up just like his father", "she'll be pregnant". What to do, what to do.

Maybe we can blame the parents and hold them more accountable. That's what Mr. Viral did:

Everyone went bananas - of course!! it's the parents - they need to fix it!!

Bottom line is, we've given up our ability (probably in the name of testing and proving we're useful) to mentor and move these children further along the path of their lives. We keep looking for excuses instead of looking at the hand a child has been dealt (assuming they even share it with you) and then being that positive reminder that they are more than their current circumstances, right?

I see finger pointing - I'm not seeing solutions.

Empathy says - I know you can do it. You can be whatever you put your mind, heart, and body to be. You are unique and have a special place in this life. You are not broken. You have ideas that can be shared here. Let your success and your failure be yours, there is no reason to do this for your parents, do it for you. We miss you when you are gone. This is a safe place to ask questions.  Welcome.

Take the metaphoric walk - Imagine how it would feel before you remark and leave a mark. Feeling sorry for someone is actually disrespectful. Even when a loved one is gone and it is appropriate to feel sympathy - it's for the loss, not the life they still have to give and the contributions they still have to make. Perhaps sympathy is actually for their being forced to feel difficult feelings. "So sorry you are feeling so sad" and not a whole existence - "Poor kids, from the projects, wears the same clothes, single parent, parents on drugs, etc."

One last point - this is such a turn off for the at-risk kid. Pretending to be empathetic when you're actually feeling sorry for the kid will be counterproductive and could possibly be one hurdle to cross in having authentic conversations with your students. When you just can't connect you can always say, "I can't even begin to imagine how it would feel to have.............to deal with". It's about creating a space where students can imagine a different reality, albeit in some later time, where they will make choices from much different places than some of the people closest to them. Not for any judgement but for the fact that the reality they currently see does not have to be the one they chose for their future selves or their children.

And their empathetic teacher can show them how to have more.