Empathy vs. Sympathy

Yep, they are totally different - and at any given time, I guarantee we're using the wrong one with students. Yep, I'm an at-risk kid - I don't need you to feel sorry for me, I need you to listen with empathy to my story and help me figure out how to meet the needs I may be missing - if you want.

I hear it all the time with regards to certain populations - we tell them to have faith and try hard and yet our underlying opinion is that there is not much hope - "poor kid, gonna wind up just like his father", "she'll be pregnant". What to do, what to do.

Maybe we can blame the parents and hold them more accountable. That's what Mr. Viral did:

Everyone went bananas - of course!! it's the parents - they need to fix it!!

Bottom line is, we've given up our ability (probably in the name of testing and proving we're useful) to mentor and move these children further along the path of their lives. We keep looking for excuses instead of looking at the hand a child has been dealt (assuming they even share it with you) and then being that positive reminder that they are more than their current circumstances, right?

I see finger pointing - I'm not seeing solutions.

Empathy says - I know you can do it. You can be whatever you put your mind, heart, and body to be. You are unique and have a special place in this life. You are not broken. You have ideas that can be shared here. Let your success and your failure be yours, there is no reason to do this for your parents, do it for you. We miss you when you are gone. This is a safe place to ask questions.  Welcome.

Take the metaphoric walk - Imagine how it would feel before you remark and leave a mark. Feeling sorry for someone is actually disrespectful. Even when a loved one is gone and it is appropriate to feel sympathy - it's for the loss, not the life they still have to give and the contributions they still have to make. Perhaps sympathy is actually for their being forced to feel difficult feelings. "So sorry you are feeling so sad" and not a whole existence - "Poor kids, from the projects, wears the same clothes, single parent, parents on drugs, etc."

One last point - this is such a turn off for the at-risk kid. Pretending to be empathetic when you're actually feeling sorry for the kid will be counterproductive and could possibly be one hurdle to cross in having authentic conversations with your students. When you just can't connect you can always say, "I can't even begin to imagine how it would feel to have.............to deal with". It's about creating a space where students can imagine a different reality, albeit in some later time, where they will make choices from much different places than some of the people closest to them. Not for any judgement but for the fact that the reality they currently see does not have to be the one they chose for their future selves or their children.

And their empathetic teacher can show them how to have more.

Cheese in New England Paradise - WARNING - READ FIRST

For all the changes that have occurred in the past year, it's incredible to think it's been seven years since my last post. Come with me as I devise a way to glean all the good I can from how things have gone down to where I return full circle - chuckling at the thoughts and actions from the past and poised to live my heart's intention.

I AM A LOVING HUMAN BEING - my intention is to create learning opportunities for teachers, not satisfied with the results they are experiencing, to take back their passion and power for the art, reach EVERY child, and to assist in directing our future toward their own highest good.

One way I intend to influence those eager to know is to let you know the value you possess in the life of your students. I believe I can convince you it is in your best interest to learn any method to reach 100% of your students by telling you a little more about me and the effect teachers and mentors had in supporting my life.

In order to do this I'll be, somehow, opening up wounds that I perceived or experienced. Real or not, it was my reality and that reality was what I took to and from school with me every day. If this story affords a teacher the opportunity to think a different way about that "jerk" in 5th period, or that "needy" kid in 3rd - it's worth the emotional risk. You see, I want my experience to be useful - I have used it to understand many, many at-risk students - like me.

If you look into the 60's at all, you'll see that it was a tumultuous time. It so happened it was not only that in the nation (which I'm learning has an impact on my family) but more directly my mother and the family suffered terribly during that decade in particular. Marked by death and loss, the best way I can describe my beginning is to say -

I was born on the 15th of August in 1964 to a broken-hearted family. As a result, I was born - At-risk.

Thank God for public education and my teachers.